Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Grateful to have options, but seriously?

Ever since I had the glorious revelation that I will be graduating crazy soon, I have had so many emotions floating around at the same time!! I almost feel like a teenager again! ;)

First dilemma: what do I want to do for my capstone?? I keep weighing the options of: 1) What will I enjoy? 2) What is the most practical? 3) What will help me be more marketable to future employers?
I would enjoy mediating, peer tutoring, or psych. teaching.
They are all practical to an extent. This blends into the next one.

I have no idea what to do with my degree! There is not much to do with a BS in Psychology. Grad. school is not an option unfortunately (which leads to another one of my crazy emotional trains of regret, shame, annoyance with myself, etc.) I would enjoy having a career as an academic adviser, or peer tutor. I would even love to be a professional mediator. (do they even have those?) I just want to feel secure in whatever I choose.

The ideal plan for Danny and I is that someday I will stay at home with our children. This is something I have wanted to be able to do for a while now. I want to be there for our kids and help them with homework and take care of them. However, if something were to happen to Danny (I hate that thought) or if Danny looses his job, etc etc etc. I want to have a good degree and good experience that will help me get a good job to help our family financially.

These thoughts keep dancing through my head while I try to make my decision. I am so terrified that I will choose the wrong thing and then later in life when I try to find a job I won't be able to! It's a lot of pressure!

Also, what do I do immediately after I graduate? Danny doesn't graduate till December. Hopefully we will be leaving Provo after that. I do not know if I will be able to find a good job that will only hire me for a short time. So do I stay at JcPenney? Maybe find another part time job? I don't know.

For as long as I can remember I have been going to school. Elementary school turned to middle school. Middle school turned into High School. High school turned into College. I always knew what I was doing the following semester and the following year. I got married, but still there was school. And now, all of the sudden, I will not have school anymore. I will have my whole life ahead of me. It's like staring into an abyss. I will be a fully fledged adult! Yikes!!!

These ramblings are an insight into my mind right now. I get so excited about graduating. Excited to be done with school and excited to move into the next phase of my life. This is followed by fear though, fear of the unknown. I also feel sad. I do love school. I love to learn and I will miss going to class (as sick and masochistic as that sounds). This is also usually paired with regret for not doing better in school and annoyance with myself for taking so long to realize my strengths and weaknesses and how to follow my strengths instead of other people's opinions.

In other words, my poor brain has had a very tiring week. haha.

I do feel blessed to have all these options and to have been able to attend a university in the first place. I am also so blessed to be married to a wonderful and supportive husband who loves me and will continue to love me no matter what I choose to do. I am also blessed with faith. Faith that Heavenly Father can help guide me.

Whew! See what I mean? So many emotions! I am happy to receive any advice that you people might have! Hint. Hint. ;)

On top of that my allergies are loco. I do take pity on my head.



1 comment:

Guy said...

Welcome to will do well.